I wish I could say “I’m sure”

Not being able to be absolutely sure about anything seems to be a side effect of growing up.

I was so smart back then, and I always knew the answer to the questions in science classes.
“The earth is not flat.”
“Pluto is a planet.”

I was ever so sure, and rule abiding.
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Always cross the road only when the green man is on.”

Now, nothing is absolute anymore.
Someone wrote that the earth is flat.
Pluto is no longer a planet.
Networking gets you the job.
Heck, cross now or be forever stuck on this side of the road.

Minor issues. Grow up. It’s part of life.

But the more I learn, the more unsure I get, and the less I know.

Things aren’t just plain black and white anymore.
Pictures printed in “grayscale” are better reflections of the world than pictures printed in “black and white”.
And then there are the colour inkjects loaded with the seemingly innocent basic colours – Red, Blue, Yellow, which gives Purple, Orange, Green, then Pink, Maroon, Indigo, Turquoise… …
An infinitely large number of colours that makes life much richer but a whole lot more confusing at the same time.

Some say that the closest portrayal of life could be the TV. Moving images in a multitude of colours complete with both visual and sound stimulations, all set to influence the way you interpret the programme you’re watching. It is sometimes so distracting and confusing, that I mute the TV.

But you can’t mute real life.

I find myself thinking about and trying to formulate an opinion on an issue only to realise that taking a stand is almost impossible, for there are so many variables that the only sensible thing to say is “It depends.”

“Perhaps”, “Maybe”, “I guess”
You never get wrong with those.

So “Why think?” I ask, if either way you’re still as ignorant as ever.
Maybe, just maybe, because the closest thing to being dead is not thinking.

It’s hard to find forgiveness, when we just turn out the lights.
It’s hard to say you’re sorry, when you can’t tell wrong from right.
It would be so easy to spend your whole damn life just keeping score.
- Till We Ain’t Strangers Anymore, Bon Jovi

How’s that? for a multitasker…

To shake with rage from quarreling with one person face to face, and at the same time reply “hahaha” to another person’s amusing comments.

To be near tears from the hurtful misunderstanding of someone important, and at the same time cheerfully plan a gathering with friends over msn.

Ambivalence pales in comparison.
We’re born to be multi-taskers.

How’s that?

“You don’t believe me now, you don’t listen to me now. When it happens to you, you’ll know. Eventually, you’ll know.”

No, I won’t. Your curses won’t work on me. You want to screw up your lives, go on. Leave me out of it. It won’t happen to me. Or rather, I won’t let it. I will lead a happy and good life. I won’t wallow in self-pity like she, or succumb to paranoia like you.

Stay hard. Stay out.

About She

I’ve known my coach for 8 years now. Yet, it was only today that I realise I actually never quite knew her.

I’ve always remembered her just as the stubborn and demanding Chinese-Chinese coach who does not hesitate to dish out hurtful criticisms and who will strictly reprimand any student that disobeys her instructions. She has some students cowering in fear in her presence, many treat her with disdain and almost all poke fun at her Mandarin that is foreign to Singaporean-Chinese students and all her attempts at English which are thickly accented and grammatically wrong.

Many others disliked her for her performance-oriented ways, her affectionate massages on the arms of her favorite students, her shameless self-marketing which also extends to her star students and her tendency to associate the good performance of other students with influence from her own students.

But today, I saw her in a way I’ve never seen her before.

She is stubborn because she is very passionate and knowledgeable about the sport. She is confident that what she knows is correct because she has fervently done research and attended courses in the topic. She almost always staunchly defended her opinions. Her assertiveness and unwillingness to compromise have probably gotten her into trouble too many times, possibly also causing her recent fall.

Extremely goal oriented and ambitious, she places great emphasis on performance and achievement. She knows what she wants and will work herself and others doubly hard to achieve her goals. Her intolerance for incompetence and sloth in a sport she is fiercely passionate about fuel her explosions of insults and criticism. She just cannot understand why someone in the sport does not share her devotion.

A shrewd businesswoman, she is never shy to promote what she does best. Perhaps due to the directness in her personality, she opts for raw and direct marketing efforts that often make people cringe. In the presence of others, she shamelessly shower compliments on her students (including myself) that left me blushing, awkward and feeling very guilty knowing that I’m not as good as she makes me to be. Especially now, years later and never having been her favorite student.

Now, 4 years since I last met her and many traumatic events after, she has aged 10 years and is left in a heartbreakingly haggard form.

I’ve always respected her for her capabilities, but I’ve never really liked or disliked her. Still, it is hard not to be affected by her speech that now subtlely reflects an insecurity I’ve previously not seen in her.

She has always been extraordinarily confident and arrogant but she seems now only to be confident and arrogant in a stubbornly maintained manner.

When I first approached her to coach the club, she said, “You know, Oiying, about my capabilities in training.” This left me momentarily shocked, for her shameless self-marketing has never sounded like this. This sounded unsure and afraid, something that is so unlike her, that I felt obliged, for the first time, to tell her “Of course! I’ve never doubted your capabilities, that’s why I came back.”

“Last time, I use to argue with others [in differences in opinions], now I thought, just leave them to do what they want. Eventually, when the results are out, they’ll know which one is right. Why argue?” Exasperated and tired, she fell to resignation and her usual hot-headed assertiveness was left to making herself less misunderstood.

Before, she has always told us what to do, and minus her self-marketing efforts, never bothered explaining herself and justifying her opinions with large number of research and the courses she attended. Yet today, as if in an insecure manner, she brought us through slides that showed her research efforts and homework from a course she attended, only scanning through and picking out some points in a way that was more like trying to increase her credibility.

I don’t know exactly what she has been through and what caused her fall. But I’m very impressed by her ability to pick herself up and her determination to continue to excel in the sport. She still has that influence I’ve never seen in others, that commander-in-chief, awe inspiring trait that I suddenly realise, makes her a truly strong and remarkable lady.