What have I been doing?

I’m an idiot.

That’s the sobering fact I learnt today, after not being able to score 2 extremely easy papers. When you’ve been in QF for a while, you kind of take for granted that you’ll get killer papers, and that no one else can do them too. It’s also well known that the marginal benefit from studying is very little, because unless you have a flair for the math and do some hardcore studying (read: tear through many books written in greek and know theorems with strange names by heart), you’ll never get it. Especially not when there are other courses and other committments that are more urgent and where the results are immediate.

That’s why we always laugh at the impossible to comprehend notes and the insane amount of work that QF gives us. But when you can’t even do the simple questions, it’s not funny anymore. To add insult to injury, it’s an open book exam where I had the answer right in front of me, but when I attempted to do the question myself, I make spastic algebraic errors even a secondary school student shouldn’t be making – and I submitted them undiscovered.

What’s left for today is bitter disappointment. I disappointed both myself and the professor with high expectations for me. He’s a professor I really respect and whom I actually care to impress, but I only disappoint him again and again. That’s the problem with over-promising, I’d much rather stay low profile and do well in my own way.

Making stupid mistakes in exams may be a small thing, well, everyone does from time to time, and I don’t have the delusion that I won’t. But not being able to answer simple conceptual questions quickly and accurately feels terrible – how can I call myself a QF major if I don’t get my fundamentals right? (Actually, it applies to accounting too, except that I’m only an accountant by training, and don’t envision calling myself an accountant – ever.)

The past 2 terms have been a joke – I think I’ve just been muddling through. I really need to get my act together, quit wasting so much time watching TV and entertaining silly interests, and get down to grinding through the math and setting my finance fundamentals straight. I should learn programming proper too. I need to stick to my goal of getting a good masters in financial engineering, which means I need to get myself enrolled in one and get someone to sponser it. That also means I need to prepare myself for it and do well enough at work to deserve a scholarship.

My job in risk will be demanding, and the department’s ties with my professors mean I really cannot afford to screw up. And I don’t even want to settle for mediocrity, so I seriously need to buck up. When I’m left with just 2 accounting courses next week, there should be no excuse for not spending more time and effort on finance. 

Ironically, after the exams, I realize it’s time to hit the books.