At a year’s closing

With 3 days left to 2011, I came back to this space for a recap of some sort. To my horror, I discovered that I have written a grand total of ONE post the entire year. This is therefore not a good place to take stock of my life.

In comparison to 2010, 2011 indeed seemed to have been much duller, intellectual-wise. I told myself I should read more and write less in order to delve into more worlds and more minds than my puny one. The write less part yes, the read more part unfortunately no.

As a honest evaluation of my life in 2011 – I have gone out more often, socialized less. I have dabbled in more, specialized less. At work, I have been busier, productive less. I earned more money, saved less. I bought more music albums, listened less. In a nutshell, the year flew by and looking back, I feel like I haven’t progressed. Following this general direction that my life is heading towards, I would soon become another one of those cynical, jaded, under-achieving and immensely boring office worker, i.e. one of those people I claim to never understand.

I recall reading as a child this scene in Little Women – the sisters and their friends sat together to discuss what they expect their lives would be in ten years’ time, and then made a promise to meet up ten years later to evaluate how close they were to meeting their youthful wishes. I attempted this (in a bit of a drunken stupor) with some friends after a good friend’s wedding. Also something I’ve discussed a little with another friend over a late night drink. I think I said that I want to be the owner of a business – nothing elaborate or excessively lucrative, but just to work for myself and earn a decent income in the process. My friend pointed out that starting a business in my mid 30s isn’t terribly early, and that I should really be thinking about it soon if I were serious.

The truth is, I’m not sure. All I know is that I don’t want to be caught in the drone of working life (as I seem to have been in 2011) without anything to look forward to. Most importantly, I don’t want to look back as I near the end and find that I have achieved nothing. Having graduated out of the organized education system, I’m now left on my own – an unwise young adult responsible for the way I choose to live the rest of  my life.

As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t mind a mundane office job (as I often say, “a job is a job is a job”) so long as I take it on as a conscious decision to put career on the back seat. It means settling for pay and working hours that are sufficiently liberating for me to indulge in my interests, and with any luck, nurture a family. It is also why I feel (quite irrationally) inclined to pursue a doctorate degree – firstly, to be able to print “Dr” on my credit cards and secondly, to know that I have invested a good number of years into studying something in-depth enough to receive some recognition for being a “subject expert”.

So more accurately, I wish to be accomplished in at least one way, be it in a successful career (business owner or not), growth in knowledge and wisdom, or a supportive loving family. Purely for my selfish self, not because of social or peer pressure, to be self-sufficient and stable.

Quite disappointingly, I came to this goal a little late in 2011.

Nonetheless, soul crushing negativity aside, 2011 wasn’t entirely a lost year. For one, I have changed my life quite significantly by picking up yoga. It doesn’t sound like much, but I am investing quite a lot of my time (2 hours at least 3 times a week) on connecting with my physical being through thousands of year old contortionist postures, which to my horror, I sickeningly enjoy (addicted actually). For two, I have committed to (finally) taking up my Grade 8 piano exam after a good 7 years, gallantly skipping 2 grades in the process. For three, I got promoted at work too (heh). Finally, with a stroke of wisdom, I know with a great amount of certainty that 2012 will be better – because I will make it better – that is my end of year promise to myself.